Misery Without The Blade
by Tsukiyo Hoshi
Summary: Ch. 4, Finally! Touma has some problems and he is sent to a Treatment Facility. The urge to cut digs deep into his mind but how long can he hold out? Plz R&R!
1. Chapter One

**Disclaimer** - I do not own the Troopers but I do own this story and the original characters.   
  
**A.N** - I know I should be working on _Faraway Star_ but I couldn't help the need to write something as soon as the idea occurred. Now, this story is Touma's POV and does have some of my original characters and I'm sorry for that. I mean, even though I despise OCs, this story needed them in order to really make sense.   
This is based on a book I saw in a bookstore. I read the summary as I passed by and then sudden images of Touma popped into my head, so I decided to write this. I only had to do a little 'research' and even that wasn't much. It'll seem like I'm rushing into this but all you have to do is continue reading and sooner or later it will all become clear to you. But, if you are completely confused or have any questions, you can email me at **tsukiyo_hoshi@hotmail.com**, or contact me on Yahoo IM at **roninobsessor**.   
Sorry if any of you actually know what goes on in treatment centers (the nice way of saying mental hospital) but I don't, so I can't promise you that this will be the best. I've read some from small things, so I could get an idea of what goes on but all of this in the story is what happens in my thoughts, so just deal with and enjoy it already! I can't help if I don't know that much about it...   
  
_Warnings_ - Some Touma angst, but that's normal in my stories, ne? There is talk about self-infliction and some things might be quite descriptive, so please take that as a major warning if you are squeamish. Yes there is yaoi for those of you who enjoy it, but for those of you who don't, I suggest you quit reading now. The couplings are at first : small Touma x Knik (oc), Seiji x Ryo, and later, some Touma x Seiji.   
  
Enjoy!   
  


**Misery Without the Blade   
Tsukiyo Hoshi**

  
  
**Chapter One**   
  
  
_You want me to speak. You want me to tell you everything. I can see it on your face even though you always say it's up to me; it's my decision to talk or not. I don't. All I do is sit in this leather chair as you fold your hands in your lap, letting out a frustrated sigh. I'm waiting for the day when you'll give up on me and it still amazes me that you've dealt with me even this long. Why haven't you left? Everyone else did..._   
  
  
I walked back to my room. Once again the time spent with Mr. Taori was a wasted attempt, more for him than me, though. It was the usual : **"How? When? Why?"** I know how, I know when, and I know why, but I'd never tell him, or anyone for that matter. Silent. I stayed silent, no matter what. Barely showing any emotion throughout the day, running away when laughter would bubble to the surface, uncontrollably.   
  
_Peace_¹ was white and only white, except the dabbled amount of mint green on the walls. Being denied of color was almost enough to drive you to the brink of insanity within a month, but I survived, living in my own little world and going with the flow. Luckily, there are doors the bedrooms, unlike some places, and most people agree that they'd hate it more if we were denied doors.   
  
The doorknob to my room was old and threatening to fall off but that was the least of anyone's concern or worries. Turning it, I walked into the dark room, the only light coming from the slightly opened window. I walked over to it, careful not to wake the man sleeping in the other bed, but he didn't wake easily and I was thankful for that.   
  
When Knik was awake though, he was always teasing and making fun. He'd pretend to be someone he wasn't and I was the only one that has ever seen his true and caring self. The first week I came to _Peace_ I had cried every night and Knik had comforted me. I hated myself even more after that. I'd proven that I was weak.   
  
My memories were interrupted when the figure stirred, sighed, and rolled over, facing me and smiling. His dark locks fell over his face and he scrunched up his nose as they tickled it. Letting myself smile, I walked over and brushed them away.   
  
He smiled, "Thanks Tou. Well, today? Anything interesting about it?"   
  
I shake my head and tug at a loose thread from Knik's bed sheet.   
  
"Nothing? Damn." He looks up, smiling his normal smile.   
  
Tapping his arm, I get his attention and shoot my eyes towards the door.   
  
He picks up the alarm clock from his side table, "Noon. Today's Tuesday. Ah, visiting day," His brilliant green eyes look over at me, "Going to hang out here, are you?"   
  
I shrug and this, to him, means "No, I'd like to hang out with you."   
  
All he can do is smile and leap off the bed as he tugs on my arm, leading me from the room, "Since it's noon, my brother will most likely come and bring food with him!"   
  
  
We enter the main room which is large and, yes, white. I spot Knik's family before he does and so I tug on his sleeve. He nods and heads towards them, expecting me to follow. I do, but slowly. His brother, Brandon, — one year older but with the looks of being Knik's twin — noticed me and waved.   
  
I sat down next to him, feeling calm, just as I do around Knik. His whole family is nice, especially to me since I'm one of Knik's few friends. They always told me that he was lucky to have ever met me, even if our meeting was under less favorable circumstances.   
  
"Touma, you're getting thinner." Mrs. Riley placed her hand on mine.   
  
I look over at her, smiling weakly but reassuringly, and shake my head.   
  
She sighs and looks at Brandon, "Honey, why don't you give him his gift?"   
  
My head shoots up in surprise as I hear her words, quickly turning my gaze to the older boy.   
  
Brandon brushes his brown hair out of his eyes and smiles at me, "Right, your birthday wasn't too long ago. Knik wrote us and let us in on that little fact, saying that you didn't want any gifts, but," He looks at Knik and then back at me, pulling something from his coat pocket, "What would a birthday be without some sort of gift from the ones that care about you?"   
  
After taking the small box from his hands I turn it around in mine, feeling the edges of the poorly wrapped gift. When I had taken time to look it over I decided I should just open it. It was a rare occasion when I'd get some sort of present. I rarely even got them from my real, so-called 'friends.'   
  
"Open it," Knik nudged my arm.   
  
I nodded and pulled on the small ribbon that surrounded the box. The ribbon came off, pulling the paper along with it, and revealed the cardboard box that was only about the size of my palm. My fingers started after the edges of the cardboard in order to open it and before I knew it I was sitting there, staring at a ring.   
"Do you like it?" Brandon ducked his head a little in order to see my face, "I know it's kinda feminine but it has sapphire, two in the shape of stars, and the middle is a round diamond. Knik told us how you love astronomy and when mom saw this in the mall she couldn't help herself."   
  
I felt my face grow warmer with every passing second I stared at the ring. I could swear that tears might have even been forming in my eyes. All I wanted to do was say a little thanks but when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. Maybe I had forgotten how to speak? Maybe I just wasn't used to it, but what ever was wrong, it bothered me so much that I dropped the ring and the box.   
  
"Touma?" Mrs. Riley came around the table and took my hands in hers, "Is something wrong Dear? Is it too much? O-or we could take it back if you —"   
  
"Mom, shh," Knik turned my head towards him, "It's quite a surprise huh? Well, I just wanted you to know that you're not alone Tou, even if your friends act as if they disown you; we don't." His hand replaced his mother's, "Understand?"   
  
Smiling, I mouthed an "Okay" and stood up as I heard the three bells chime, telling everyone that lunch was over and that they should get to their designated areas.   
  
"Well, that was a short visit, wasn't it." Brandon said more to himself than anyone.   
  
"Knik," Mrs. Riley turned to her son, "Please take care of Touma. Even though the doctors say he's getting better, I just can't help but feel that he's falling further and further away from us all. He's almost like family now and I don't even want to think about him having to stay here longer than he already does." She sighed, "Goodbye, we'll be back next week for sure."   
  
He nodded and I smiled as we watched them turn, then he looked at me and spoke, "We don't have classes today do we?"   
  
I shook my head no and watched as he picked up my gift and handed it to me.   
  
"We might as well just go back to the room then."   
  
This is what usually happened. If it wasn't visiting day though, lunch was extremely boring. I didn't really eat any of the food they gave us since everything was soft. That was the bad thing about this place, well, one of the many bad things. The food was always soft so we could eat it with spoons. We weren't trusted with forks and knives of any sort. But, I guess that's a good thing. If they allowed them, I would have been gone a long time ago...   
  
"Touma?"   
  
Looking up, I notice that Knik is looking at me with his worried expression. That expression that was only given to me. I smile weakly and follow after him as we head back towards our room.   
  
Soon enough, when about halfway back, we were stopped in the hallway by one of the 3rd years, Daisuke Adao. Daisuke was your average bully who was always wanting attention and when he didn't get attention he'd do practically anything he could think of. That, usually, was pills. The rumors say that he's just an addict and he's in here every time someone catches him popping pills. But, if you look past the rude exterior and look inside, you can tell he suffers and only wants to be noticed. He's been in here for three years, before that he had been in here off and on, but now he's allowed to escort 1st years, like me and Knik, around the buildings.   
  
"Well, what's up you two? Didn't see ya during lunch today. What, did you have visitors or something?" The young man, only a little taller than I was, pulled back his red-streaked blonde hair and smiled at us, "No, not for Touma at least. Did your mommy come to see you .. _Nicky_?"   
  
Knik smirked, "It's Knik, and yes, my mom and brother came to visit today, what's it to you?"   
  
"Huh, oh, I don't care. I'm just trying to start a conversation with two of my best friends," He pauses and looks at me with that wide smile still on his face, "Well, if blue-boy here would ever talk."   
  
I didn't even move but Knik continued, "Leave him alone Dai, maybe he doesn't want to talk. I mean, to you? Ha, who the hell wants to talk to _you_?"   
  
I smile inwardly at Knik's remark and watch as Daisuke's mouth frowns in anger and then he stepped closer to Knik, "You are going to get your ass kicked one day, Riley," He stepped back some as he noticed one of the nurses heading our way, "One day."   
  
We watched as he walked away before continuing back to our room. When we made it back it was only 1:15 and there weren't even any good shows on television right now. If anything, all we could do was nap until dinner. But, Knik could and would always come up with something. Right now, he smiled and turned back towards me before sitting on the bed and pulling a box out from under it.   
  
I sit next to him and nudge his arm with my elbow.   
  
He looks up at me, "Nothing much, but," he pulls the lid off, "Just a few things ya know, just in case you're bored. Don't ask questions, just take one."   
  
The box had three knives in it, one larger that looked dull, another that was very thin that also looked dull, and the last was your average cutting knife, the kind that you'd _want_. It with it's sharp, razor edge, that when touched to the skin and pulled back just faintly, a small trickle of crimson would leak from the new incision, pooling at your feet thickly...   
  
"Tou? Yes or no?"   
  
Truly, yes or no. Do I want to or not? Of course I do; I always do. Sometimes I would run to the bathroom just to find the edge of the paper towel dispenser as a nice blade, so of course I wanted to cut, but why can't I pick up the knife? Is it because Knik is in here? No, he's seen me cut before, as I have him. Hell, we've cut each other in boredom before.   
  
He hands me the last knife, twirling it with his fingers.   
  
I look at him with my most curious look and take the knife.   
  
"That look.. Damn, I told you not to ask questions." He sighed and then brought his legs up on the bed to sit Indian-style, "I could see it in your eyes when you saw that ring. It's all my fault, so if you don't want to cut _yourself_ you can cut _me_."   
  
I glare at him and he smiles nervously.   
  
"I'm .. Okay, fine, never mind."   
  
This time I sigh and stand up, walking towards my bed and sitting down I place the knife under my pillow. I know that I'll use it later, there's no doubt to that. The urge will catch up with me and I won't be able to just itch my arms and pull at my sleeves.   
  
I turn back towards Knik and he's sitting there with another knife, the second one, in his hands. Standing, I go back to his bed and sit, leaning my head on his shoulder.   
  
"You looked hurt today and I want to punish myself; what do you want? I want to die, Touma. Isn't that what you want as well?" His hands fall to his lap.   
  
I shake my head and place my hand on his shaking ones.   
  
"I thought that's why you cut. Will you tell me why? I mean, _really_ tell me?" Tears threatened to spill from his eyes and a guilty feeling swept over me, " Open your mouth and speak to me? ..I've never heard you talk before."   
  
Shaking my head I lower it so he can't see my face. I want to speak but I want to save my words until they are truly needed.   
  
He sighs and I watch as he puts the knife back in the box, "They'll find it sooner or later, but I'll hide it after dinner." He paused and sighed again, "Tonight? Tonight are you going to cut?"   
  
I nod slowly, it's my way of saying "Maybe."   
  
Smiling, he sprawls out on the bed and grins at me, "Make sure I'm awake."   
  
Nodding again, I take this chance to lie down next to him and rest my head on his chest. I know he doesn't mind. Sometimes I'd wake up at night and he's in my bed, just holding on to me like this.   
  
Knik is in here just like I am. The same way I mean. Knik is in here listed under **BPD, Depression, and Self-Injuring Behaviors** while I am listed under **Depression, Eating Disorders, and Self-Injuring Behaviors**. They put us as roommates because of the self-inflicting, thinking that the company would do us good. But, little did they know that we would have more in common than thought and we soon were helping each other in our journey to death. They haven't noticed yet, or at least not that we know of.   
  
I look up at him after thinking back on the past. His eyes are closed and his breathing is steady. I decide that I'll sleep as well. There's no reason to wake him up ... yet.   
  


...**TBC**...

  
  


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**A.N.** - Ugh, I wrote that in one sitting and it amazes me.   
  
Yeah, yeah, the name Knik. You're all probably going "WTF?!!" right? Well, it's just a different spelling of the normal name, Nick, Nik, ect. Anyways...   
  
**¹ _Peace_** - The name of the treatment facility. The facility is one only for young men, ages 12-21. The boys like to call the place _Pieces_ instead of _Peace_.   
  
I know this might have been a bit boring, but his is sorta just one of those "Let you know what's going on" kind of chapters, understand?   
  
I'll have the next chapter of _Faraway Star_ out very soon and I promise you this. But, if you likes this story and think I'm doing good so far, and, that this could possibly be a good on-going story, please review! I'd appreciate any and all reviews I get! Oh, and please, nothing about the me not knowing about the facility... 


	2. Chapter Two

**Disclaimer** - I do not own any characters except my own...yeah...   
  
**A.N** - Sorry about the long wait to those of you who reviewed and enjoyed this! I was sick most of x-mas break and I when I got better I got a huge writer's block and lost all my creativity. But, I'm back. So no more rambling. Thanks for your reviews! I don't think I've ever gotten 5 reviews on just one chapter, heh, yeah, I'll shut up now. Enjoy! Oh yeah, it seems that I confused a freind of mine. Names are said as they are in English, not in Japanese style, yet, I think I might have messed up a few parts.. Oh well, sorry if I did!   
  
_Warnings_ - Touma angst, yaoi, self-infliction, language, and uh... sexy men?   
  
  


**Misery Without the Blade   
Tsukiyo Hoshi**

  
  
**Chapter Two**   
  
  
_I'm letting my guard down. I'm letting myself get too close to others. Soon enough my tongue will slip and I'll talk. I have to make a promise to myself to only talk to.. them. My friends. They gave up on me when I couldn't go on. Seiji didn't even believe me when I said I was going to kill myself. No one cared and then I left. I took a knife from the kitchen when Shin went to the living room while he waited for dinner to cool. Taking the knife, I'd gone into the forest and all the way down to the lake. I stood on the dock and looked at my reflection before putting the cold steel to my wrist..._   
  
  
I looked around the room. We sat in a circle, the doctor in the center, talking about something. I wasn't paying attention to anything other than the carpet as I shuffled my feet. This is Group, aka, classes that don't help me at all. Wednesdays I have Group along with four other men, well, young men.   
  
Kiriko Amare, small and frail with sky blue eyes and light brown hair, very quiet, and only sixteen, sat across from me picking at the fuzz on his pants. Tsutsu Rasare Micharu, Rasa for short, twenty years old with one hell of an attitude, red hair and green eyes, sat three chairs down, staring across the room. Sin Ichido and Ken Ame, same looks, different attitudes. Long, black hair and brown eyes, well built bodies but dark secrets behind their good looks.   
  
Sadly, Knick isn't in my Wednesday Group. I didn't want to admit it, but I wished he was in here today. I woke up in the morning and he lay there looking at me. His brown eyes fixed on mine as he smiled and slipped out of the bed, pointing to the clock. After last night, I've been thinking I should worry for Knick. Not only did Knick feel guilty but he was willing to let me kill him. If I were to slip and say anything today, it would probably be to tell Knick not to feel any guilt for me; I don't deserve it.   
  
Looking out the window I sigh and this catches the Group Leader's attention. Mr. Hidaka looked at me and smiles, "Touma?"   
  
I raise my eyebrow and shrug. I hadn't heard what they had been talking about and I didn't plan on joining in on the conversation any time soon. My attention is drawn to the door. It opens slowly and Mr. Niwa walks in. Niwa is my Friday Group leader and a real pain in the ass if I may add. He always tries to get me to talk...   
  
"I'm just seeing how things are, Hidaka. Any problems?" Niwa walks over to Mr. Hidaka and speaks slowly.   
  
Mr. Hidaka stands up and whispers something. I can barely hear what he says, but I hear my name and then see Niwa nod and head back in the direction of the door. Before he walks out he sends a glance over at me and I feel my body tense up. It's a known fact that Niwa despises me and until the day I talk, he will forever hate me.   
  
Rasa looks over at me and grins, "Damn, what did you do to piss him off, Hashiba?"   
  
I shrug and look back at the window. I can sense the others' eyes on me but I try not to pay attention. I look at the clock and see that all I have to do is survive five more minutes in this crowded room and then it's off to lunch and back to bed.   
  
Grinning, I slip back into a temporary daydreaming state. I plan on finding out where Knick got the box and knives. It's not like he could have slipped them into the facility unnoticed.. could he? I shrug mentally and go back to daydreaming. Blurry images play across the insides of my eyes as I close them. The images sway gracefully and they seem so familiar to me as they entertain my thoughts. Then a silent gasp escapes my lips as I realize I'm thinking of _them_ again.   
  
'Why?' I ask myself as I open my eyes again. 'They want nothing to do with you. You haven't even recieved a letter from them, no, you did. Shin sent one. He's worried about you. What the-- Great, I'm talking to myself again..' I sigh and realize that the bell has rang and everyone is exiting the room.   
  
I stand up and accidentally run into Kiriko who lets out a frightened gasp as he's knocked back into the wall. Reaching my hand out to help him up, he looks at me and I bring it back, walking out the door and down the hall. Back to my room, my bed, the dark silence, and no one but myself. Well.. and Knick.   
  
  
I open the door and walk into the small room. It's cold and I see that Knick hasn't gotten back yet. 'Oh yeah, it's lunch..' Running my hand through my hair I inhale deeply before falling back onto my bed and exhaling. My bed was cold but I turn onto my stomach and bury my head in my pillow anyways, realizing that it smells like antibacterial spray.   
  
In the mornings nurses liked to come around and spray the rooms with that sickening antibacterial spray. I haven't figured out why they did it every single day. I mean, why not just once or twice a week? Oh, but no! They have to come into the rooms, no matter if you were still sleeping or standing nude, and would spray the room down until you practically got lost in a cloud of antibacterials.   
  
I smirk, 'Stupid nurses.'   
  
Suddenly I hear a door open and close and a huff of air leave the lungs as a body falls onto the bed across the room. I turn over on my side and sit up on my left arm. Knick is on his stomach and apparently upset, or exhausted. Standing up, I walk over to his bed and bend down so I can place my hand on his back.   
  
He turns his head and looks at me, smiling like usual. I smile back but I let my lips fall back into a frown and await an explanation. Knick turns completely around and now my hand rests on his chest. He places his right hand on mine and closes his eyes, "You got a letter today, Hashiba..."   
  
'Why was he calling me by my last name...'   
  
"They had already opened it to make sure, ya know, there wasn't anything in it..."   
  
'Is he mad at me.. Is the letter what's upsetting him...'   
  
"Your friends are visiting. The lady at the desk was surprised and kinda happy..."   
  
"_They're_ coming...?!'   
  
After a few moments of silence Knick finally sits up and takes a piece of folded paper out of his pocket and hands it to me, "Here, you can read it now if you want."   
  
I take it from him and he turns back around. He must not like the idea of them visiting. But why would that bother him so much? It wasn't like Knick to really care about that... I shrug it off but make a mental reminder to bother him about it later and turn to the letter, starting to read the clean handwriting.   
  
_Dear Touma,   
  
We're coming to visit you. I bet you're very suprised, ne? I know I was. Seiji just came out and said he was going to visit you and before you knew it everyone else was nodding in agreement. But I don't blame him for his strange behavior. He's been acting strange these last few weeks, also. Ryo noticed it and brought it to my attention. I spoke with Seiji and he says that nothing is bothering him. I don't believe him but then again, maybe I'm worrying again? Like you say, I worry way too much. I just hope that Seiji won't do anything to upset you while we're there.   
  
I'm hoping you're getting better Touma. No one wants to admit it, but you can see it on their faces every time you're brought up in a conversation; they want you back. Seiji brings you up a lot. I'm starting to think he's worried about you, too. Starting hoping! You never know, he might be falling in love with you. You're probably confused by my words, ne? Well, it's like the old saying : "you don't realize what you have until it's gone." Ne?   
  
I'll talk to you when we get there Touma. Oh, I guess I could tell you when we'll arrive. Well, we're hoping to be there on Wednesday afternoon. I called up there and talked to the Manager and he said that as long as the patients don't have Group they can get visitation rights for that day. Well, and they have to have been on good behavior and all that good stuff, but, I'll see you then Touma.   
  
_

We all miss you (though they won't admit it),   
Shin

  
  
  
I put the letter down on the side table and sit back down, this time on my bed. I couldn't believe they were coming to visit. What had gotten into Seiji? I mean, to make him want to visit me? He must be seriously ill if that's the case. Seiji was the most angry with me for ever starting to cut. But, he's known me the longest and he knew that I'd done it since I was thirteen. He'd tried to get me to stop countless times but soon he started to ignore me. That's when I did it that night and they all came out looking for me...   
  
Placing my head in my hands I sighed and stood up. I turned on the lamp and looked around the room. They were coming today; this afternoon; in a few hours. I have nothing to do today so that means I'll have to sit out in the visiting room until they come. I wonder if Knick will come out there with me.   
  
I sit down on his bed and shake his arm gently until I get his attention. When he turns around he's frowning and I tighten my grip on his arm. This causes him to turn completely around to face me, "I have to admit it Tou. I'm kinda jealous.. and kind of afraid. I mean, they may want to take you back with them and I.. I don't want you to go yet."   
  
I smile and let go of his arm so I can sit closer to him. I lean my head on his shoulder and he continues, "I know it sounds selfish but you're the only real friend I have here. Lately, I-I think I'm losing it. I don't know.. I just confused myself."   
  
This time I don't try to stifle my laugh and I let him hear it. It sounds awkward to my ears and probably to his as well, but I see him smile. He leans on me a little, "That's nice. I've always wanted to hear you laugh... Touma? You won't leave will you?"   
  
I want to leave but then again, I don't. I can't tell him that. I can't tell anyone that. I shake my head and place my hand on his.   
  
"Good, I don't want you to leave just yet. I want you to stay a little longer.. Until.. I get better, maybe? Do you think that's possible?" He looks up at me.   
  
I nod and stand up. I plan on going out to the visiting room now so I can wait on the guys. Walking over to the door I place my hand on the doorknob and open the door slowly before turning back to Knick and cocking my head to the left. He stands and follows me out the room but keeps his eyes on the floor the whole time. I'm not going to leave him.. I don't even know how this visit will go. For all I know, I might never want to go back to .. home.   
  


**...TBC...**

  
  


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**A.N.** - Well, what did you think? Please review and tell me!   
  
I tried to explain a few things thoughout the story and I hope that I explained the majority of what I wanted to. Well anyways, I'll work as fast as I can on getting the next chapter out. Please review!  
  



	3. Chapter Three

**Disclaimer** - I do not own the troopers but I _do_ own mine.   
  
**A.N** - Wow, it's been a little longer than 9 weeks if I'm correct, ne? Sorry for the extremely long wait and you have all the right to be angry with me. I didn't have a writer's block I just merely lost interest in all the stories I'd been working on, but now I'm back and ready to write an angst-filled chapter. I hope you enjoy this one and sorry if it's a little short! And there will be shounen ai sooner or later.. Not every story needs action, right? Uh... Enjoy!   
  
_Warnings_ - Angst, yaoi/shounen ai, self-infliction, language, and many confusing matters   
  
  


**Misery Without the Blade  
Tsukiyo Hoshi**

  
  
  
**Chapter Two**   
  
  
_Was I every truely alone? Did I just convince myself that no one loved me or even wanted me around? All those many hours spent lieing face-down on my bed listening the gentle hum of voices from downstairs, thinking to myself and wondering what it was that they were talking about. Do they care? They rarely act like it. I'm all alone. I keep telling myself this. Is it true? I thought a friend was someone who was there when you most truely needed them. If that's the case... then why wasn't Seiji there for me? Or any of the others? Not even Shin... They didn't care about me and never will. I can't do anything to change that fact either._   
  
  
I look up at the clock as it ticks away another second of my life. The visitor's room is freezing, probably only forty degrees, and I sit with my arms crossed over my chest and I swear my skin will fall off if I continue to shiver like I am. Fifteen minutes in this room can easily make you feel like an icecube in need of a warm drink of sorts.   
  
I try to understand how Knick can seem so warm in such a cold room but it always seems to be that way. He sits with his arms spread out on the cold table with his head resting on the top. His eyes cross to look at the table in front of him and his fingers tap to some unknown beat. I'm starting to think I'm only imagining this extreme cold I feel.   
  
It's so quiet you can hear the clock time. We've been sitting here for twenty minutes now in the cold, quiet and extremly bright-white room and neither of us have moved or said a word.   
  
Suddenly, Knick's head shoots up as the door opens. To his obvious relief it was only a boy, "Hmm, how long do we have to wait for your friends to arrive, Tou?"   
  
I shrug, my attention drawn to the boy that walked through the doors.   
  
The boy has short, chocolate-brown hair and light brown eyes. His haircut was a strange kind. The top layer was cut to flip under and he had it tucked behind his ears, the bottom layer flipped up in a couple places making it look curled. Besides the hair he seems like a decent person and built a lot like myself. His head is down and his arms are out to his side swaying with each step he takes, making him seem depressed.   
  
The man behind him shoves him forward when he slows down. The boy trips over his own feet and stumbles. This man could possibly be his father but they looked nothing alike. The next thing I know he yells at the boy and grips his arms, "It's your fault you're in here, you know? I told you to go back to America with your mom but you stayed down here with those damn friends of yours. Look what they got you into Ian!"   
  
The boy looks up and glares at the man but then smirks, "Why do you think they're the reason I have 'problems,' Dad? Just because I'm not like you and I want nothing to do with you.. That's why you hate me. Not because of my friends. You just can't face the fact that I'm not you."   
  
His father just stands there, fuming, but Ian continues, "I wanted away from you! I hate you! So, I made a couple of friends that introduced me to a coupld things. I don't care though. Tell me how much of a disgrace I am because I don't care. I'm in here now and as long as I'm away from you _I don't care_!"   
  
"Mr. Baynes?" A thin lady comes up to them with a packet of papers, "Could you fill these out? We'll take your son now and get him accomodated."   
  
He nods, "Yes, thank you."   
  
She leads Ian away and down the hall. I hear Knick's voice, "I hope he's not with us. Sounds like he has some anger problems, hmm?"   
  
I just shrug again and decide to keep my nose out of his business. Turning back to the doors, I wait for the guys to get here.   
  
In the next few minutes only a couple of nurses walk through the doors. I get impatient but something itches at the back of my mind : What should I do if they want me to talk?   
  
"Hey, is that them?" Knick turns and points out the window.   
  
I nod and stand up. It looks like I'll be making things up as I go. We walk to the automatic doors and I put on the best smile I can while trying not to fall over.   
  
Shin is the first one through the doors. He's automatically in my face looking me up and down before he pulls me into a bone-crushing hug, "My God, how have you been Touma? You're so thin! Don't you eat?"   
  
I don't hug back, I merely stand as he attacks me.   
  
Ryo and Shu enter the building next and detach Shin from me before patting my on the back. I can tell that they are extremely uncomfortable with this visit.   
  
Ryo grins though, "How are you doing? Hope they haven't tortured you too much."   
  
Shu adds in, "Yeah, and I bet you miss the good food, huh? I heard these places can't cook to save their lives."   
  
I let myself smile because I knew he was right about the food and also that the first sentence out of his mouth had to do with food.   
  
"It's good to know you're still laughing," I turn around, now facing Seiji. I watch his mouth as he speaks again, "Brought you some food though."   
  
I look down at the box in his hands and something urges me to make a remark about such a large box of doughnuts, but I keep my mouth shut and make a half grin.   
  
"Well, let's eat!" Shuu practically zips between us and grabs the box away, heading to a table.   
  
Ryo and Shin follow after him trying to get him to quiet down. I'm stuck with violet eyes bearing a hold into me.   
  
I stare back at him until he smiled again and whispers something I can barely hear, "I'm glad you're alive... Very glad."   
  
As he walks off I look around for Knick. I've just realized he hadn't said a word. I find him on a faraway wall with his head down but as soon as I take the littlest step in his direction, he dashes off down the hall.   
  
'Knick...'   
  
"Touma, come on!" Ryo laughs as Shu stuffs a whole doughnut into his mouth. Actually quite disgusting.   
  
I decide to go ahead and get the visit over with, 'Right now Knick is more important that eating a box of doughnuts with four people that sent you here. Maybe you can use the doughnuts as an excuse to not talk. Good idea, let's do that!' Sitting next to Seiji I immediately stuff a chocolate one in my mough, making a mess of myself.   
  
Shin starts explaining why Nasuti couln't come even though she wanted to, something about an emergency at the university or something. Ryo interupts him to say something about his new career at teaching Junior League Soccer, Seiji nods blankly, and I try to keep my mind on the food before me. I think Shu is starting an eating contest with me...   
  
I want to reach out for another doughnut but I already feel sick to my stomach. I'm not used to eating this much even if I force myself. I stop at two and a half, sitting back in my chair totally unaware of the figure standing behind me.   
  
Shu looks up, "Who are you?"   
  
"Just a friend of ol' Blue-Boy." The figure says.   
  
'Daisuke...' I glare.   
  
He pokes me on the shoulder until I turn around, then he smirks and decides to bring more hell into my life, "I saw your boyfriend back there. He seemed upset. Being such a caring person, I decided to see if you two had a little spat or something." He raises an eyebrow, "So?"   
  
I continute to glare and mouth a "Shut up."   
  
"I see you have friends though," he continues, "maybe he's jealous or thinks you found a new lover."   
  
This time I stand up, knocking over my chair in the process. I stare him straight in the eye and fight against the urge to yell out a list of profanities.   
  
"What?" He's still smirking.   
  
"Okay..." Shin looks back and forth between us, "Tou? What's going on?"   
  
I shake my head while picking up my chair and sitting again. 'Ignore Daisuke and stuff your face with another doughnut so you don't have to answer them verbally.'   
  
Daisuke changes the subject, "Did you see the new guy, Ian Baynes? There's no room in this building for him. Seems there's too many people with those damned suicidal tendencies, ya know? So, guess who he's bunking with?"   
  
I decide not to turn around even though I'm curious.   
  
He laughs. Damn, I hate that laugh. "With you and _Nicky_. Isn't this going to be fun? You to adjust now but who knows, maybe you'll get to know him better." He smirks again, patting my shoulder, "You never know, maybe you can _talk_ him into a threesome."   
  
I'd had it! Standing up, my fist flies as fast as my brain flickers into Death-Mode. I hear a satisfying crunch as it lands right into his nose. I grin and duck as he swipes at me before falling back, clutching his face.   
  
I stand and stare at him. Fresh blood oozes nicely from his nostrils and even his bottom lip. We've caused a commotion and now a coupld of larger men have my arms behind my back and are leading me through a door that goes into the Employees Only corridor. I look back to see Daisuke being carried off to the Nurse and the guys looking after me, eyes full of curiosity. I know they'll make an appointment to visit again in a couple of days.   
  
  
----   
  
  
"He was taunting you then? You place your hands on the table and stare at me.   
  
I stare back. Even if I wanted to speak I couldn't. They drugged me with so much shit that I can barely even walk let alone stand on my own or talk. It makes me wonder how stupid humanity can really be.   
  
"You didn't break his nose but it was pretty nasty. You're lucky, you know?"   
  
I do something between a shrug and a nod and then drop my head as the room starts to spin momentarily.   
  
"If you had actually broken his nose you'd be in that nice padded room right about now."   
  
I don't even move.   
  
You sigh, "We're done Touma. Go to your room and rest."   
  
  


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**A.N.** - Short, yes, I know, but I promise I'll get another chapter out very soon. I already have it written on paper and just need to type it out on Notepad. Just bear with me. Also, please excuse misspelled words, if any. My spellchecker is fried so I have to get a new one.   
  
Next chapter might be a little more interesting and it might actually have a background plot! Wow, an improvement! 


	4. Chapter Four

**Disclaimer** - I don't own any characters except my own.   
  
**A.N** - Sorry if it's been a while. I lost track of time and started a new story too. At this very moment, FFic.net is screwed up and isn't uploading documents...so, in frustration, I started writing this chapter. Strange, ne? Anyways, I hope to actually straighten some things out in this chapter, along with confusing the shit out of you even more. Then again, I think I confuse myself more with each chapter... Enjoy and please review! ^^;;   
  
_Warnings_ - Angst, yaoi/shounen ai, self-infliction, language   
  


**Misery Without the Blade  
Tsukiyo Hoshi**

  
  
**Chapter Four**   
  
_I always seem to scew things up, no matter what. Sure, I can keep my mouth shut but what's going on? Me, punching people? That's not like me. I made a complete fool of myself in front of the guys and now they're probably even more confused than before. They'll be back and they'll be ready to question me... What will I do? I can't speak to them; I don't want to talk. Why is my life so confusing...? Why am I still alive..._   
  
I turn the handle and walk into the room, the wooden floor creaking with each step I take. I notice another bed in the room as I cross to lie on mine. Now there's even less room to walk around and I have to slide through a small space between the end of my bed and the corner of this new one.   
  
I turn on the lamp on my side-table and lean back onto my pillows. Reaching under, I can feel the knife I placed there from the other day. I sigh, 'I still haven't asked you about that, have I Knick?'   
  
The door opens slowly and I jump in surprise. The guy from earlier is standing in the doorway holding a box and he smiles shyly before placing it on the other bed.   
  
He steps over to me, the shy smile still on his face, "Ian Baynes. You must be Touma, right?"   
  
I nod and take his hand when he holds it out to me.   
  
"Knick told me you don't talk. That's too bad." He looks at the floor and then back up at me, "You see, I like to talk. Almost to the point where I get annoying and I completely make a fool of myself... which I'm doing now. So, feel free to shut me up anytime! I only do this when I'm nervous, though, so don't worry. I don't talk to many people and I guess I'm saying it's a pity 'cause I was planning on talking to you."   
  
I grin, 'Maybe this guy isn't so bad. Then again, he did seem to have an attitude earlier...' I twitch inwardly, 'Great, another Knick...'   
  
Ian walks back over to his bed and starts to unpack belongings out of the box he came into the room with. I sit back down on my bed and watch as he pulls out an alarm clock and a few books.   
  
I unconsciously make an annoying sound as he sits the books down, catching his attention. They didn't let me bring books into the building, so why does he get to have them?   
  
"Oh," he looks down after realizing what I was staring at, "They said they'd allow it as long as I promised the nurses they could check my body for cuts every other day. They're so uptight..."   
  
Before I can even make a move the door opens again. Knick comes in, a box also in his arms. I smile at him, but he ignores me, placing the box down on Ian's bed.   
  
"How much shit do you have, man? What is that, the sixth box so far?" He runs his hand through his hair and leans on the wall.   
  
Ian laughs, "That's the last box I think."   
  
"That's good," Knick starts for his bed, but I catch his hand before he can go too far. He stares, "What?"   
  
I raise my eyebrows and frown a little deeper, hoping I look a little confused and a little concerned.   
  
"Um, about earlier, right?" He looks at me and then at the floor, "It's nothing really.. just..."   
  
I squeeze his hand a little tighter and pull him onto the corner of my bed.   
  
"It's just that.. Well.. " He stammers again before looking over at Ian, "Ian, could you maybe.. "   
  
"I'm already there. Consession stand, here I come!" I smile as he jogs out of the room.  
  
"I didn't really mention anything to him about there being anything between us.. I just told him we're 'close.'" He looks down at the floor again.   
  
Letting go of his hand now, I slide closer to him and lean my head on his shoulder. Maybe now I could...   
  
He starts again, "I heard about you're stunt...and about what Daisuke said. I guess everyone suspects that we're..."   
  
I look up at him, causing him to stop mid-sentence, "Knick..."   
  
Immediately, Knick's eyes start to glaze over with tears, "You..just.."   
  
I decide to choose the best words I can think of as I open my mouth again, "I'm sorry."   
  
Knick brings his hand up and runs his finger along my cheek before smiling, "There's nothing to be sorry about.."   
  
'The one moment I actually say something and he decides to contradict me...' I lean into his touch while smirking.   
  
"I'm serious though, it's all my —"   
  
I lean in and capture his lips with mine, interrupting him before he can continue. At first I don't feel any reaction from his part until his hand comes up into my hair and I feel him lean into the kiss. As soon as it had started though, it's over. I pull away and stare into Knick's eyes as he blushes.   
  
I kick myself mentally and force a smile, 'Why did you do that you idiot?! Now he's going to think you're more than just 'close!' That was smart, Hashiba, very smart.'   
  
He smiles and starts to lean in towards my face. I lean back and grap his hand, my other hand going to his chest to stop him.   
  
'As much as it hurts me Knick... That's all...' I think to myself. If only I hadn't wasted words before, he could have heard these too.   
  
Standing, Knick's smile broadens. He doesn't look hurt at all as he stretches, "Um.. I guess —"   
  
The door swings open but from what we see, no one is standing in the doorway. All we see is the darkness in the hallway.   
  
Knick walks over slowly before peaking his head around the corner, then he turns back towards me, laughing.   
  
I give him a puzzled look as he walks back over to me.   
  
"Is it safe to come in yet?" A voice calls from the hallway.   
  
This time I let myself laugh as Ian walks into the room with his hand over his eyes, peaking just slightly.   
  
Knick is still laughing when he lies back on my bed, "Of course it's safe."   
  
------------  
  
Turning over, I cling to my pillow and try to dodge the light that's coming through the window. I can feel the arms around me as I move around, knowing they belong to Knick. He might have gotten the wrong idea last night, but it 's a real comfort to be held like this and I don't make any sudden movements to get away from him.   
  
He mumbles something incoherent as his arms tighten around me. I bring my hand out from under the pillow, feeling the sharp edge of the knife along my index finger, yet paying no heed to it. I brush the hair from his face before noticing the stream of blood trickling down my finger and the blood I'd just run through Knick's bangs.   
  
Cursing silently, I squirm out of Knick's embrace and start silently towards the bathroom. I close the door behind me and sit down on the toilette seat before taking the tissue and placing it against my finger.   
  
'Obviously it was sharper than you thought it was..' I think to myself, staring at the tissue which is quickly becoming stained with my blood.   
  
I stand up again and turn on the faucet with my left hand, placing my right hand under the cool water. I flinch at the pain that courses through my hand and notice that there are more tiny cuts along my palm and fingers.   
  
'That's what you get for putting the fuckin' knife under your pillow, idiot.' I stare through the water at the larger cut I've just caused, realizing it's deeper than I thought. The water in the sink slowly turns crimson and it's not hard to miss the new metallic smell of the blood. 'How sharp _was_ that knife? Damn...'   
  
Reaching over to get more tissue I hear the doorknob rattle before the door casually swings open. To my great dissapointment it's one of the nurses holding the antibacterial spray, making her morning rounds. She stares at my face and then at the tissue in my hand before reaching down to her belt and pushing a button on what looked like a remote, "Mai, room A9, Hashiba."   
  
I hear static after she speaks and I can feel my heart beating in my chest. The static clears and I hear another voice, "Should I contact Mr.Date like he requested?"   
  
"Go ahead," the nurse started, putting down the bottle of spray, "Just get someone down here, quick."   
  
"Right away," the other lady replied and there was static again, before complete silence.   
  
'S-Seiji... He...' I shake my head. This was confusing. He wanted to be contacted?   
  
The nurse takes a few steps towards me, holding out her hand, "Hashiba, just come easily. Let's not have any problems, okay?"   
  
I shake my head again and hit the wall. I notice I've been taking steps backwards.   
  
"Come on Hashiba..." She tries coaxing me away from the wall.   
  
Sliding down the wall, I feel my eyes tear up and I open my mouth, "It was an accident.. "   
  
The nurse puts a hand on my knee, "I know it was, honey; It always is."   


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**A.N.** - I amaze myself again.. I must be sick.. x.x Anyways, don't kill me for that quick turn of events at the end... It'll be a good story.. soon.. And now that FFic.net is working I can finally post! *goes to start on next chapter* Please review!   
  



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